Chapter 22: A Terror No Soul May Know
A piece of me stayed behind, watching over my loved ones. A piece of me followed my Wife's line, waiting to return. A piece of me borrowed from the Twin, saving a part of the world from loss. The rest was consumed, a vessel for the light, turned cyan under a thin layer of gold.
Sapphire Echoes
I wanted to ask Asha how she knew to do what she did, how she did it at all. I longed to beg her for something, anything that might tell me what happened. But I knew. And even if I hadn't known, I couldn't ask. She fainted after the fight finished, worn to the bones. Breathing peacefully, but in no condition to travel, so we didn't.
When they were certain no more Devourer's were coming, Roisin and Jasmin ran as quickly as possible up the stairs to the platform where I held Asha, resting in my lap. They didn't speak, just took in the scene.
My daughter's golden glow was gone. She was shining just like Roisin, that nameless colour of everything, her form showing signs of being far sturdier than her aunt. The bloodleaf bow she'd made for herself lay on the platform beside me, a terrifying thing of the same order as Roisin's sabre.
Jasmin's eyes spoke of knowledge she couldn't possibly have. "So she's fully awakened now, is she?" Jasmin stepped over and lifted the bow, working over her understanding of it. "It looks like the one the Fiend stole from Vaelis, but more wild, more free."
"You mean the one she nearly incinerated me with in the throne room?" Roisin's dry question caught a slap to the shoulder from Jasmin. "What? I said 'nearly'." She addressed me. "Jasmin saved me, time and again from it. To call it terrifying would be an understatement."
"And now it seems your niece, dearest, is the bearer of that terrifying thing." She placed it next to us. "Well, good news is that she has a great support structure. She won't go the same way, most likely."
"I certainly hope you're right about that, Jasmin," I said flatly. "You two go get the sleeping gear. We're staying here tonight."
The dream came on with all the same sly force of any dream on any other sun, but it was different, special.
Two women.
An elder woman with sapphire hair, golden eyes, deeper than Jasmin's amber. She held a gilded labrys with all the confidence of a woman who'd been born with it in her hand. Everything about her was familiar, and yet her identity was just out of reach. She looked a bear turned soft, with all the femininity of a courtly princess. And yet, different.
Second was the same woman from the sun I finally found Davian's comfort in sleep again. Somehow, she was entirely the same unrecognisable woman as before, but I knew her just as well as I knew the sapphire-haired elder.
They were fighting something, back-to-back in the same dance as Roisin and Jasmin. I couldn't see a single enemy, but the bodies of their friends were on the ground. A waif and a voluptuous beauty. Darkness personified beside a human shadow. A lost soul and a child. An enormous woman and her anchor. All lost.
But the two women fought on. No more help, only terror and loss.
I gasped for air as I bolted to my feet and ran to escape something. The stairs were almost the end of me, as I forgot we were on the platform in Aurelin's temple. 'Almost' for two reasons. The first is that the cold air alerted me, and I was able to slow down. Not quite enough to avoid falling, but enough that the second intervention was possible.
Roisin's arms were powerful for a woman her size, and I began to understand why as a flash of sickly silver came from her whole form when she caught me at the edge of the first step.
"First, thank you," I said, feeling the blush spread over my whole body. "Second, how do you do that? Always find yourself in exactly the right place?"
"You know how you always know exactly how to manage animals? Or how you know instinctively what Mrs. Reed will do in sparring?" She looked entirely too thoughtful for how dark it was, I realised. "It's kind of like that, except it happens backward, I think?"
"I was following you until 'it happens backward'."
"Hmm." She walked to the altar and came back with a bottle. "So it's like this. If I drop this bottle," she released it, catching it before it hit the stones, "the bottle is in danger of being shattered. If that were a human, and if I liked that human enough, I would hear a weird sort of echo of the shattering, but before it happens. And the cold-flame does the rest, carrying me right where I need to be."
She set the bottle down and frowned.
"Afina, the first one, she saved me hundreds of times when we were little," Roisin continued. She pulled up her pants leg to show me my least favourite scar of hers. A mirror that shattered and left her paler than death, but somehow perfectly healed otherwise. "Every accident. Every near-death experience. She was there. Most of the time, she showed up too late to stop it, but she always got there and took care of me."
"How did no one know about this, rascal?"
"I was alone. All the time. Da was busy with whatever he was doing. Ma was gone right after I was born. You and Davian worked," tears were forming in her eyes. "Then Da was taken. You and Davian still worked. What was there to do. Even I didn't know she was the one protecting me until Jasmin and I explored Thornwood last year."
"And then you got to Blue Stone, and your scars turned blue."
"I think they look nice. Jasmin likes to trace them when she thinks I won't notice." She smiled again. "It doesn't help that they tingle at her touch."
"You two are something else."
"We are. Now," Roisin waved a hand toward the stairs I almost tumbled down, "you want to tell me why you were about to throw yourself to your doom?"
"Terrifying dream. I'll tell you about it later."
"Okay. Take care of yourself, Deels," she stood and offered me a hand. "I know you don't cook, much like Jas. Would you mind doing prep work for me? We can cook and wake up our girls."
Impossible Things
Our time at Aurelin's temple was short. Asha reverted the bow to a flower like it was second nature, and she had little else to say, simply that the flower called to her, the bow told her what to do. Roisin's sage nodding at the description told me she'd experienced similar with that terrifying sabre of hers. Like there was some guiding force bringing the Mavi to bear against the horrors of Lafleur.
We allowed another sun to pass as we waited to confirm if there would be more Devourers, but there were not, so we left on the third sun after our arrival.
As we headed eveward from the temple, I had to wonder how Jasmin knew where to take us. There were no roads from the temple. At least there weren't until my steps carried me through the bogs, as it rose up to greet me, begging me to return soon. Yet Jasmin's path was direct, no room in her for questioning the route.
When at last the trees of the Thicket were behind us, I finally got a clean view of the deimward region. Mildly rolling hills that went on clear past the horizon in two directions. Beautiful greens and reds intermingled to make an odd sort of iridescent gold. We stood atop a hill somewhat taller than the surrounding area, and it was humbling to see what the world was made of.
Jasmin stopped our march at the top of that hill and set a hand on my shoulder. "If you ever decide to give yourself over to this life, this will all be yours to protect." She took a deep breath, and suddenly my ears were filled with all those sounds of people and animals and wind and rain across the full region. "Not to scare you away, but to educate you of the cost."
I set my hand on hers, not letting her take it away as I listened. "Do you hear that?" I pointed toward a sound. A crying child. She nodded. "We should go that way. See why the poor thing is sad."
"Perfect," Jasmin smiled, "we can do just that." She looked toward Asha, who had switched to riding with Roisin for a time. "You're going to meet another kiddo, Huntress. Do you like that idea?"
"Yes, please!"
Town was an impossible thing. Not 'town' like the area around within a city, but 'Town' like a small community lost to time. No knowledge of the conscriptions. No knowledge of the queen's impossible war. No knowledge of anything beside their community. Nothing but the local environment, and me.
Our departure from the hilltop took us to an old well-beaten path that wound around for a long time before we were surrounded by green fields spread out for miles. Reposian stalks. Or I suppose that's not what they would call them, but they were certainly the same plant.
Probably a few dozen people were gathered in the fields, tending the plants. They paid us no mind. Work was an important matter. Asha was fascinated with the work they did.
"Pardon me, folks," Roisin called out, not the least bit worried about propriety. Definitely still my Roisin, then. When one of them turned to face us, she smiled softly. "We're travelling around Lafleur looking for a friend of ours. Scarlet hair, violet eyes, though for all I know her eyes could be black again. If you've not heard from her, then we'll leave you to it."
"Madam," one of them called back, "may we approach without fear of reprisal?"
Roisin tilted her head to the side. Jasmin was the one to respond. "Not one of us wants to fight people, friends. We only fight beasts. And lately only greater beasts. Please, approach."
They didn't move toward Jasmin, Roisin, or the empty horse. They came straight to me. When they were a few feet away, the one in front knelt and bowed her head. "My Lady," she said almost in a grizzled whisper, "we are humbled to host your fine presence once again in Town." A mumbled assent spread through the crowd. "Please join us at the tavern this afternoon. We would be honoured to share as we can."
"Uhm," I was out of my element. "Thank you. Shall we simply continue on, then?"
"Yes, my Lady." The woman stood and bowed proper and deep. "Our innkeep will gladly avail you of any information or supplies you need. And perhaps, if you see fit, we could hear one of your grand tales."
"I suppose it cannot hurt, then," I said, accidentally slipping into a dialect similar to theirs. "We shall convene at the tavern, and we shall enjoy a proper fellowship."
As we rode along, Roisin shoved me gently. "Since when are you a Lady of a city so far out, hmm?"
"Play nice, Roisin." Jasmin pulled Roisin back away from me. "Only a year ago, you were fumbling over your words to trick everyone into believing you were your own mother's daughter. Delia just happened to walk into this."
The tavern, inn, and church all occupied the same space. A Town hall if there ever was one, and a single soul sat at the front counter. He was a scant soul, barely there, as tall or more than Jasmin even while seated, but somehow tremendously tiny.
As we stepped through the door of the tavern, a loud bell shook the whole of Town. The gentleman behind the counter waited patiently for six chimes before smiling softly and greeting us.
"How-do, friends," his face held a scowl that seemed etched into stone, but his voice was friendly. "New in Town, I s'pose?" His eyes traced our group. Asha, Roisin, Jasmin, and finally me. As his eyes properly took me in, he stood and bowed deeply. "Apologies, m'Lady. It is a blessing and an honour to serve you."
"Please don't do that," I said softly, setting a hand to his shoulder and encouraging him to raise to standing. "They did it in the fields, and it feels wrong to do if I don't even know who it is you think I am."
"Amnesia?" His eyes tightened into a squint. "Well, then, I s'pose we'll have a fine 'nough time helpin' you t'remember."
"I suppose that is a finer fare than —" I shook my head, fighting back the odd manner of speech that was invading. "I'd be happy to listen if you'd be happy to tell. How much for a night for the four of us? Two rooms, preferably as far from each other as possible."
He raised his brows looking over our group. "Th' married ones always are th' loudest," he laughed. "But you must be in a sore 'nough state iffen you can't remember we don't take no coin. Whatever stories or supplies you can spare, we can make do.
"'S funny, though, m'Lady," he laughed at something, "one of your kin was in town not a sevensun past. Big beast of a woman called herself Nyx Nightshade. Told stories of you and your'n. She had with her a soul call'n Em Fireweed."
Nyx and Em should've been with Tenebra and Tal. Why would they be in the deimward region? And were those really their names? Didn't Tenebra say Em's full name was Micah Emera?
· Ask about the queen. ·
"Friend, I fear I've not caught your name," I said, trying to ignore the Voice for a moment, even though it did win out. "And also, have you and yours been visited by emissaries of the Liatris monarchy in recent moons?"
"Name's not important. Folks normal just call me How-do, on account of that's how I get to know em." He smiled. "'S far as monarchies and emissaries. Never heard of em turnin' up."
· Ask who you are. Your name. ·
"Sir How-do —"
"Just How-do's fine, m'Lady."
"How-do, who is it that I'm supposed to be? This Lady. Can you tell me of her?"
"Best if you'n these find out when the travellin' woman arrives. You two could be kin." He brought out two keys. "We'll talk payment once your settled, friends."
How-do seemed shocked that Jasmin and Roisin wanted to room together while Asha and I shared the other room, but he simply shook his head and whistled. Roisin was out of her travelling clothes and into something comfortable almost instantly, and she made for How-do, dragging me along.
"I cook. Really quite well," Roisin said without humility. "And she's a decent assistant as I cook. You said we could pay with stories or supplies, but I'd like to cook."
How-do raised a single eyebrow. "You ever cook for eighty people?"
"I've cooked for half of Powell's Square."
"Never heard of it. But if you think you can, I'm sure Teach and his spouse Stutter would be pleased to have the night off so they can enjoy family time with the kids." How-do stood and led us to the kitchen. It was an alien sort of place, bigger and broader and far more pristine than any kitchen I'd ever enjoyed. "Ever-thin' you'll need is in here. If you'n yours brought special ingredients, we'd not say no to 'em."
"We have ero fruits and smoked silver-skipper, if that'd do."
"Haven't had silver-skipper since my suns in the Stone. Stopped in there when I was travellin' an age or more ago." How-do's eyes lit up as he described it. "Smoked, you say? Then you're a proper Blue Stone sort? I didn't catch your name, Miss."
"Afina of Blue Stone."
"Apologies ma'am. You don't look like yourself. Barely knew you."
Roisin smiled and offered a hand. How-do gripped her forearm, as did she. "It's a pleasure to meet you. No. I'm not that Afina of Blue Stone. I'm her granddaughter. My proper name is Roisin Thornleaf. Afina's become something of a passed down title."
"I see." How-do waved his hands around. "If you're one of hers, then you likely know how this place works better than most. And now it makes a measure of sense you stayin' with the silver one." He winked at Roisin. "Well, I look forward to whatever it is you ladies make."
Unstoppable Truths
Several hours of prep work followed by several more hours of rest followed by two hours of near constant cooking. That's what Roisin dragged me to the kitchen for. In her words, "Jasmin and Asha need proper rest. You and I can find that anywhere."
While she wasn't wrong, it was really rude to assume I wanted to help her. To assume I was the best choice. How dare she make me feel like I must. But it did me well to use my hands.
The bells chimed longer every so often. Seven chimes, then eight, then nine. At the bell of ten chimes, the sounds of people entering the tavern began flooding the kitchen. A slight person and an incredibly handsome bear of a man entered the kitchen right as Roisin finished her work. Behind them were four children, holding onto each other's shirts to keep them in line.
"Well, friends," the smaller person said with a broad smile, "we'll take over from here. How-do tells me you'll be wanting a chat with the traveller. Thank you kindly for your generous work this fine sun."
One of the children offered a soft 'thank you' along with Stutter. I knew their voice. The one who'd been crying.
"I don't need to chat," Roisin said with a smirk. "Just Delia. So if you two don't mind, I'd love to stay and work with your fine family to get this work done."
The large man laughed a booming bass that rattled loose object in the room. "I like your spirit girl. I hope any one of our kids grows up with that attitude. Name's Teach."
I swear, if I weren't married, that man would shake the very foundations of my being, but Davian was not just enough, he was everything.
Leaving them to work, I found Asha and Jasmin sitting with a woman in a hooded cloak. Golden hair. I knew her face. She was the me who wasn't me who was dearest friends with the Tenebra who wasn't Tenebra in memories that weren't mine.
Sitting beside Asha, I didn't wait for anyone to introduce us. I needed the upper hand. "Lady Gideon," I said with a questioning glance. "It is a pleasure to meet you."
Her eyes were gold, just like the sapphire-haired woman in my most recent dream. She was a sturdy sort. It was clear she carried a weapon under that cloak. I was certain if I asked her, she'd produce it in a second, but she clearly didn't want Town to know who she was.
"And you are the one who comes after," she said without a hint of curiosity. "Not-Salora and Not-Linna here tell me you are uncertain of your place."
"Currently, I'm in a Town that doesn't exist in a time that never happened sitting across from a goddess who erased herself willingly," I said without thinking. My hand rushed to cover my mouth, but she simply laughed. When we both recovered, I continued. "How don't they recognise you?"
"As you say: I erased myself," she passed a hand before her face. "Not-Togha and Not-Gormlaith who passed through Town barely knew me either." She smiled to Asha. "Your daughter, I presume? She has your soul. Your light. Though it would seem hers is to follow the Hunt."
"Quick, clever," I said drily. "It's no wonder you found a way out of the cycle."
"I didn't have a choice."
"No," I offered a truce, "much like I have no choice now."
Again she laughed. "That is the first incorrect thing you have said." She reached across the table and took my hand. "You are still outside of it. You still have a choice. It is when you set foot on the Path that you are broken."
"When, not if?"
Jasmin spoke up. "When, because you either die human or live long enough to become the thing your soul is fighting against." The green waves flooded her eyes again for a moment. "Or in my case, you are dragged back bodily by the soul of a goddess everyone believed fully gone."
"Nothing is truly gone, Not-Salora," Lady Gideon said softly, "if it is taken by the Sapphire light."
"You know, you can call me Jasmin. It won't kill you."
"Jasmin is a cursed name," she said with a huff. "I would love to tell you more, only I must do my duty for my people."
With that, she stood and headed to a small raised dais at the front of the room. Only then did I notice someone had set a plate of food in front of me. All that work Roisin and I had built toward. It was calling me.
Lady Gideon bowed, then greeted the room. She told stories of the goddesses, of Lafleur beyond the bounds of Town. Of Mavi and sacrifice. She spoke until the eleven bell chimed, and then she returned to the table. Nothing she said in the stories was new to me. It was all what I already had experienced.
"Once per sevensun, I come to Town and tell them of the world they have forgotten. They're stuck here because of me, just as Afina was stuck between death and life for a millennium because Salora couldn't die." Her voice was hollow. "But Afina found a way to fix it. She passed herself on to that girl in the kitchen. As much Afina as Afina was Afina." My head spun as I tried to parse the meaning. "Now I know it's possible, my penance will be to save these people. Slowly introduce them to the world that they left behind."
"That's a big task, Lady Gideon," I said, a peace offering. "Why do you take it on yourself?"
"Because you'll go to bed this evening and find yourself gone. All that will remain is the memories of Town." She reached into her cloak. "Lynae once told me I was a fool for hiding my truth from these folks. Now I'm ever grateful they've forgotten my face." She pulled her hand back out. It held a wilted goldroot flower. "These things don't even respond to me anymore."
· Sapphire light. ·
"Two questions. I'll accept any answer you can give," I said with a shrug. "First, why does everyone seem to think I'm you? Second, what is the Sapphire light you mentioned?"
"It's everything. And nothing. It's fire and ice and peace and destruction and war and creation and —" her eyes glowed a brilliant cyan blue, tainted away from sapphire by their natural gold. "It's the only thing that matters. Everything, nothing, and all the possibilities contained between them." The light went away as she blinked, then deadpanned. "Also, because you are. Fundamentally different, but still.
"Delia Primrose inherited the souls of every goddess and Mavi who ever existed, and she became something new, something bigger, something lesser, something ancient." She was flailing her hands about, trying to get some word from the air. "Delia became Aurelin at her very core.
"Or at least, every other one," she pointed a finger at me as she stood, "every single other one, except you. And yet, you are the one who follows. And you have a choice. Go make it."
She walked away, somehow vanishing into the crowd.
The man called Teach wandered out of the kitchen with Roisin. They were chatting like old friends and heading to the raised platform in the front of the room. Roisin's smile was impossible, but she seemed to fit in well with the giant friendly bear. When they stepped up onto the platform, the room fell silent.
"Friends, we've been joined this fine sun with four new friends." He gestured to Roisin, who was wearing that proud smirk. "This here is our evening's chef, and I've asked her to say a few words. Perhaps it'll serve our Town well."
Roisin stepped forward as Teach headed back to the kitchen where his family were.
"Hello everyone," she began. Her voice wasn't shaking, but I could see a terror in her. Roisin wasn't one for public speaking. "My wife tells me I need to spend more time being a people person, so here I am giving it a shot in front of a room full of strangers.
"The food for tonight has been a series of dishes blended from the tastes of my family, my hometown, and my wife's picky palate." That caught a giggle from some audience members, including Teach's spouse. "My sister helped quite a lot in the prep work. Sister, please stand so I can find you in the crowd."
I stood, and all eyes landed on me, then the whole room gasped.
"Yes, yes. Your local Lady did you the honour of serving your Town. And that is good. That is fine. That is how a local Lady should be," Roisin smiled. "I learned that from two very important women in my life. My wife, and my cousin's wife, who taught me together that a noblewoman is nothing without her Town."
Who was this Roisin that stood before us? Had Blue Stone really changed her that much? Or was it something else, something more?
"Anyway, I just wanted you to know that, while she can't stay and serve now, one fine sun your Lady will return to you," Roisin said softly, "and when that sun arrives, she and I and all our strange little family would love to come visit Town again. So hold out hope, and we'll be back again.
"I reckon we'll be heading out in the morning, first thing before dawn, so please get your time in with your Lady before heading home for the night." Roisin bowed, then waved. "Thanks for having us, everybody."
A Lesson in Personhood
Had I the energy by the end of the night, I would have screamed at Roisin. As it stood, I had spoken to each soul in Town, young or old, before I was at last able to go to bed. Asha was already asleep in my arms by that point. Roisin and Jasmin stayed with me through it all, offering what support they could as they could.
Teach's spouse, I learned, was called Stutter, though his diction was perfect. Each person in Town had less a name and more a title. Some of them exactly spot on, like Teach. Others woefully ironic, like Stutter. And every one of them was a kind soul just pleased to call Town their home.
When at last the only soul about was How-do, he came and sat with me, waving Jasmin and Roisin on, and we had a chat.
"You're not the goddess," How-do said plainly. "Well, I suppose I should say not the goddess. You appear to be a goddess."
"That's what people keep telling me." I felt my skin flush. How was everyone so certain?
How-do pulled something from his pocket. "Seems like you know Kind Fireweed and Miss Nightshade. They were here a ways back and left something behind. I thought it might serve, so I'm handing it off to you." He opened his palm, and a pristinely preserved goldroot flower bud, not yet fully formed, sat in his palm. "Keep or toss, doesn't much matter."
I took the flower bud from him and stared at the thing. "There's a story among the goddesses," I started, thinking about what Em told me in Thornwood Hallow, "that each of their flowers has something that makes it special. Silverthorn is a poison. Snowpetal is a trap. This flower, goldroot, is a source of life.
"When blessed by the right hands," I put a bit of cold-flame into the flower, and it blossomed, growing into a full goldroot plant, "it becomes a blessing to be shared with those who encounter it." The plant branched off several times in my hand, and I plucked one with two or three flowers, handing it to How-do. "Take this. Remember me by it."
"Thank you, m'Lady."
"Delia is more than enough, How-do," I smiled softly at him. "Everyone tells me I'm a goddess. The next goddess of Shallowroot Thicket. But aside from that trick with the flowers, I don't know anything about being a goddess."
"When you were born," How-do gave an odd half-smile, "what did you know about being a person?"
"Very little, but —"
"And now, how much would you say you know?"
"Enough I suppose, but —"
"How long have people been calling you Aurelin?" When my jaw dropped, he smiled. "I'm about the only one in town who knows the travelling lady's name anymore. I found Town at the end of a long life well-lived, and I decided to stay. Humour me, would you?"
"A few moons, maybe more. Not more than a year."
"So you're still a baby," he said without much room for question. "But you're holding yourself to the standard of a full-fledged person. If it turns out they're wrong, that you're not a goddess but something different, you can face that when the time comes."
"But what if I disappoint them?"
"Yours is not to satisfy or to concern yourself with others," How-do said as he stood, "but to be the person you are meant to be. No more, no less." He turned, walking away before calling back. "And be satisfied with whomever she turns out to be, m'Lady."
After a long time sitting at the table alone – Roisin and Jasmin had graciously taken Asha to bed when they left – I took refuge in my room, barely able to get to sleep with all that had happened. At the last, I must have managed, as I remember waking up.
We weren't in a tavern-inn-church. We weren't in an impossible Town. We weren't in a town at all.The ground beneath our bedrolls was hard-packed earth, and the building, the people, were simply gone. When we woke, the four of us were bundled together under the stars, just a few minutes before the first light of dawn.
It wasn't a dream. Couldn't have been. I was still holding the goldroot How-do had given me.