Chapter 15: Wakened, Weakened, Weary
Devouring, claiming, destroying
Taking everything, giving nothing
I give my heart in contest
You take my soul in evidence
We rebuild what was lost
Together
Worry Within
The sun was hot when I awoke, or it felt hot anyway. My mouth was dry and tasted of rot. Breathing was still a challenge, but I attributed that to the weight on my chest. At first, I believed I was imagining the heavy mass squeezing the air out of me, but when I opened my eyes, there was Micah, stretched out atop me, ragged and haggard, with all their features sunken and sagging.
It took everything in me to move them off, noting that they still breathed as I did. I barely had strength to move my own body, let alone theirs. Taking in the scene, I knew at once we had arrived, and the cost was almost too great.
Standing a few feet away was a woman whose face I'd seen a thousand times in as many memories forced upon me by Lysandra. She was darkness and peace, just as Micah had described her, and tears streamed from her eyes.
"Which name would you prefer I call you," I rasped around a dry throat, "or do you have a preference, Lady Nihil?"
Her face lit up. Reading her expression was a challenge, but there was something in it. "How?"
"I'll not be calling you that. Would you prefer Dee, Draethis, Nihil, Nalia, or something else? Shroud Lady, perhaps?"
"What?" She took a second to process and continued. "No. I meant, how are you able to see me?"
"Answer mine, and I will answer yours."
"Deona," she said with a bitter smile. "As Micah would call me at our most intimate."
"They've never used your full name, Deona," I said, letting its smooth sound wash around my mind. "So far as seeing you, I assume it's to do with being the new Despairing Truth."
She physically recoiled from the name and bowed to me. "And what shall I call the Lady Togha, since she has granted me the same blessing?"
"Nyxara of Greywatch Spire. Baker. Micah's friend," I said. "Take your pick. Then tell me what happened."
"I bet Micah calls you Nyx," she said. I was finally starting to hear her voice for what it was. A gentle breeze across open water, carrying softness and good news. "Micah cares for you too well, Nyx. But that will likely be what saves you. It is what saved me during the devouring."
"That wasn't an answer, Deona."
"Well, I would rather ask you how you came to be so far from your Garden if you don't mind?" She sat directly where she stood, settling atop what I saw as a rough intermixing of thorny plants, but she didn't seem to mind. "Did not my sister leave a message for you?"
"She did. And I ignored it, like a reasonable person. Her message was meant for one who would eagerly fall into step," I laughed hopelessly. "I'm a baker. I am not one to be kneaded into a shape that I did not choose."
Deona laughed at that, the sound washing over me, almost drowning the last bits of despair I clung to.
"An excellent answer," she said. "Since you can see me, I can help. You have food at the bottom of the cliff, but I doubt you can retrieve it safely. Once you have eaten, I will leave you to tend my lovey doll. I have business in the Shroud."
She left and returned after several minutes with everything I hadn't noticed was missing. Before she finally bid me farewell, Deona spent several minutes looking me over.
"I don't care if it's 'the way things are done', Nyx. Hold tight to yourself. Don't give up who you are. You are exactly what Lafleur needs." She didn't wait for an answer. She just left. Somehow, I knew I wouldn't see her for a long time after that.
Micah slept a full sun, some of their rich dark colour coming back as they managed to rest at last. It wasn't perfect, but they were at least no longer a walking corpse. Or rather, a sleeping corpse? They looked far less dead.
Once I had fed myself properly, I began the work of cleaning up the herb garden surrounding the altar Micah laid upon. Cures for nausea, pain, fever, so much more. I didn't know much, but I knew enough. Thanks Eliana.
I hadn't realised when I awoke that I was freezing, despite the hot sun, so I took a moment and prepared a tea to warm my core. Everything seemed brighter as the warmth spread. For all I was certain, everything actual did get a bit less clouded.
The energy that slowly returned to me felt foreign but friendly, finally fighting against the fiercely oppressive land beyond the cliff. It was enough that I could prepare a camp with tent and bedrolls and more. Micah was fragile in their state, so I moved them to their bedroll and began working to truly settle in.
Elder Valley was home to the Crucible. But Vaelis's temple stood high above it all, not a part of her garden. Not that her garden still stood in this frightful place, but that it once did. That wasn't the normal way.
Aurelin's temple was in the Thicket. Salora's temple was deep in the Hallow. Draethis had hers at the middle of the Shroud. Even Lysandra's temple was properly in the Aerie. But not Vaelis.
I knew that she was an odd one. Keeping a flower of blood. Isolating herself from everyone except as necessary. More, even, than Lysandra. Vaelis was a goddess of balance, and yet she could not balance her reclusive nature with the love she was meant to share.
Hollow fear gripped my stomach, and I couldn't say why. But as quickly, it subsided. A memory and nothing more.
The work kept me busy until my stomach and the sunlight informed me I needed supper. Whoever had planted the herbs in the ruins of Vaelis's garden would be pleased at their state. Or rather, their improved state. Far more work was left to be handled, but at least I'd curbed the codependent growth of so many incompatible plants. Again. Thank you Eliana.
I was thankful to have learned the trick behind warm cold-flame back in Ivory, since eating a hot meal was essential if I were to regain my strength. Something about eating cold food just doesn't do it.
When I had eaten and was certain nothing was left to be done, I attempted to lie down in the tent with Micah. I was wrong. We both smelled horrible. I needed a bath, and they needed much more than that.
"I doubt I'll find an inn anywhere around here," I said to the darkness, "but I can wander for a bit and see if there's a stream or something. Micah," I patted them on the shoulder, "don't go anywhere. I'll be right back."
Wonder Without
There were no streams or rivers, no springs or pools, not even a soap plant to at least rub on the smelliest places – a graver disappointment was that I couldn't use the nonexistent soap plant in cooking, but I would survive. I would have to deal with the smell until I had the sun to help me find any source of clean.
So I lay down. Never mind that I kept thinking 'what if it happens again'. Never mind that I kept reaching for Micah to make sure they were still there. Never mind that I kept worrying over everything. I eventually made it to sleep.
"Nyx," I barely recognised Micah's voice for its ragged state, worse than their body had been the sun before, "wake up Nyx. Please."
"I'm fine, Micah," I sat up without opening my eyes, and our foreheads collided, sending me right back to my pillow. "Sorry," I winced around the pain, "that was my fault."
Micah lifted me from my bedroll and wrapped their arms tightly around me. I luckily escaped without a broken rib. So they were okay. Or at least getting to okay.
"Nyxara," their tears warmed my shoulder as they continued their grip. "I was so worried. I thought you were going to —" a full-body tremor shook them, shook us both. "I'm sorry I used one of your flowers, but it was the only way." Their grip tightened a bit, managing to squeeze the air out of my lungs. "Never do that again. Please."
I coughed as they finally released me. Once I had a breath in my lungs, I gently bumped our foreheads together. "I'm fine, mostly. Believe it or not, I think I'm less messed up than you. When was the last time you slept, you five-fold goddess cursed fool?"
"Do you want the honest answer or the cheeky one?"
"Never mind," I laughed, "you can tell me later. First, we both need food and bathing. You smell like you're two legs and an arm in the grave already."
"Honestly, I almost was, and so were you. But —"
I didn't need to hear what they were about to say, no matter how curious I was. They did need to hear something though. "When I came to, you were passed out on top of me. There was a woman here. Kind. Caring. Love personified. And she couldn't take her eyes off of you. Deona."
"That bitch!"
Not what I was expecting. "I thought you'd be happy she stayed and watched over you."
"Well, sure! But I didn't see her. The least she could have done is let me see one of her legs or arms."
"Oh. That's why she was surprised I could see her," I mumbled. "That is bitch behaviour, I'll admit."
"Hey. You just met her. You don't get to call my wife a bitch."
I raised both hands in surrender. "Fine. I'm sorry, Deona – who is not here to hear this – for calling you a bitch."
"Thank you. Now feed me."
Breakfast was more trail food and a few of the herbs from my work the previous night. Even some medicine can be food if used correctly. And vice versa. By the time breakfast was gone, Micah's pallor was almost the deep brown beauty I'd grown fond of. The sunken parts would need a bit more, but we made do.
As we ate, Micah filled me in on what happened. It was a horror story wrapped in grave terror, and our survival was almost more miracle than truth. If not for the horrid damage to their hands and legs, I'd have brushed off some of the details as Micah-style exaggeration. I had to brush some of it off anyway, or else I might faint from the magnitude of it all.
"You didn't stop for almost eight sevensuns. Two moons. Micah," a tear fell as I spoke, "you're an idiot, you know."
"I am," they smiled broadly, their brilliant teeth shining in the morning sun. "And thanks to that, we're both alive."
"More like 'in spite of that, we barely scraped by'," I corrected. "But thank you."
They winked at me. "You would have done the same. And with far more stylish outcomes, might I add." The laugh that followed was tempered with coughing that wouldn't go away for a few seconds. We weren't quite back to normal I supposed.
"Have you tried your cold-flame since you woke up?" I knew the answer. Micah lived and died by their cold-flame. In this case literally. But I had to know for sure.
"Nothing." My heart sank. It must have shown on my face because the set a hand on my knee in comfort. "It's okay, dear heart," they said softly. "You've actively avoided using yours for your entire life, and you turned out fine."
"That's not entirely true. I —"
"I suppose not. You are stuck with me, after all."
"Not what I meant. I simply didn't use it for every single part of my sun."
"I didn't use it for everything," they made an expression I couldn't place. Then their words made the meaning clear. "Though I'm not sure Dee would appreciate me telling you the sweaty details of the things that didn't involve cold-flame."
"Ew." A complete sentence, filled with disgust. Good for them. But no thanks. "And speaking of gross things, let's go find water. I smell awful."
"I wasn't going to say anything, but yes. Yes you do."
The sun's full light and the elevation of the cliff gave us a view of Elder Valley – for that was apparently the name of the broader eveward region – that gave me an appreciation for the view from Gormlaith's circle of flowers. Could we see a long way? Certainly. Could we see most of Lafleur? Absolutely not.
Farther eveward was a river that ran toward the marward region. Deimward, we spotted a small lake. Both were utterly exposed to the harsh sun, but they were water. Nothing else for as far as we could see. Just a barren waste.
"The river is our best bet," Micah said. "Moving water tends to be safer, and maybe we can find fish swishing through it."
"And if we find no fish, then we just eat dirt," I added. "And herbs. We have plenty of herbs."
"So you'll be carrying me, right?" Micah grinned before we set out. "You know, since I carried you all this way."
I of course did not carry them. We needed to rebuild my own strength. And carrying Micah, while an easy task under most circumstances, would be nearly impossible until I was fully back to health. And while Micah couldn't really manage the trip by themself, they could take breaks as needed.
So a journey that should have lasted two hours at worst lasted most of the morning, but we did arrive at the river and find it not perfect, but safe enough. The water still flowed. Fish would pass by every few minutes. Water plants grew and allowed themselves to be pushed by the flow.
The land was scorched all the way to the edge of the water. Our small bit of shared energy collectively sighed to have our feet within the clean water. I could not and will not speak for Micah, but I felt lighter after standing there a few seconds.
"Now we're here, I really should have come here before going straight to that temple," Micah said while actively taking off clothes. "Maybe then I wouldn't have been so smelly when you woke up."
"If you don't mind terribly, I'll be setting up over here. Looking the other way," I said, feeling a blush consume me, "and trying to catch a fish or three."
"You really don't have to. You're not about to come onto me, Nyx," they said to the back of my head. "I think Dee would forgive us bathing together, given that you would never betray the sanctity of my pure body."
The snort that escaped me at the implication of Micah being pure caught a quick splash from them. "That may be so, Micah," I drawled, "but she's already a fully fledged goddess, and I am still just Nyxara of Greywatch Spire. She could easily take me in a f—"
Water filled my mouth and nose mid-sentence as Micah tackled me from behind. "Do. Not. Speak. Ill. Of. My. Friend." The halting words were nearly shouted as Micah held my face a bit too close to theirs, despite my coughing. "We've been over this, Nyx. You are far more than you give yourself credit for. If that weren't the case, then I would've left you when you collapsed."
They let go of my shirt and returned to bathing. "You're right," I said as I recovered. "Apologies. I will do better about how I speak of myself."
"Good. Now," they chuckled, "I have a quick question, for my own edification."
"No, I'm not attracted to you," I said drily as I set about fishing. "You're a lovely person. And it's definitely not you. Your body is a credit to humanity, if I'm honest. But I've never really felt the spark I suppose."
"That wasn't my question," they said, a smile colouring their tone, "but I'll take the compliment. I was going to ask if you've ever had physically intimate experiences, and if you have ever enjoyed them."
Oh. I sat with the question and thought about it for a while. "To the first part, yes. To the second, sort of. Like, my body seemed pleased with itself – with non-men, anyway – but my mind didn't really get into it, if that makes sense."
"Perfect sense." I heard Micah step out of the water as they spoke. "I've met a few people like that. Nickel, for example, back in Ivory. And this person I used to run with back in the capital. It's a lot more common than you think."
They set a hand on my shoulder, trying to turn me about. When our eyes met, they smiled brightly.
"You're a good woman, Nyxara," they said. "And I'm glad I finally understand your deal. If I ever put you in uncomfortable positions with regard to this conversation, let me know."
"Thank you. Now it's my turn to bathe. If you decide to look and fall in love with me, that's your problem."
Once we'd bathed and caught enough riverfish for a few suns, the early grey of twilight was already settling upon us, so we made our return to the temple which was easier by far, and I finally felt like things could go back to normal soon. Well, most things. Micah was no closer to recovering their cold-flame, and that definitely slowed them down.
Our tent was a lonesome sentinel on the edge of the herb garden that used to be a temple, a welcoming sight as the sun was concluding its journey eveward of us. Not much had changed since the morning, but the plants looked somewhat healthier without all of the competitive growth. The ones I'd removed that first sun waiting for Micah were drying nicely.
That would've been an excellent way to start the night, if not for the howls that rang out around us. Plains landaax would be unlikely to cross the expanse of death, but the threat of it was terrifying in its own way.
Sleep was easy and quiet despite the howls, minus Micah's occasional snoring. Morning came without fanfare, for the most part. And the sun greeted us fondly, as it had so many times before our trip into the chasm so many sevensuns before.
I awoke first, rising and stepping out into the dawn. As I approached the edge of the cliff, something incredible caught my eye.
On a mar-by-phob path from the high ledge was a long green line. Plants growing, I assumed, along the route Micah had carried me. I rushed to the eveward edge and looked toward the river, and I found the same. Our walk to the river and back was green, surrounded by scorched everything.
Something was changing, and it was apparently to do with us.